How to support someone with OCD without reassuring them
Updated: 7 days ago
If you love someone with OCD, you've probably answered the same question so many times you could do it in your sleep, and quite possibly have, at 2am. Then they tell you, or their therapist does, "please don't reassure me", and you're left standing there thinking, well, what on earth am I supposed to say now?
I'm Charlotte, an OCD specialist therapist in the UK, and this one's for the parents, partners and friends.
Why reassurance feels like the kind thing
When someone you love is distressed, reassuring them is a completely natural, caring thing to do. You might answer the same question again, check something for them, or tell them "of course that won't happen". It usually works, for a moment.
Why it can keep the OCD going
OCD runs on a loop: a frightening thought or doubt shows up, the person does something to feel safe or sure, and they get a little relief. Asking for reassurance is one of the most common ways to get that relief, so it can work like a compulsion.
The relief teaches the brain that the doubt was dangerous and needed answering, so the doubt comes back, often stronger, and the questions come more often. Over time, the whole family can end up living around the OCD without meaning to. Researchers call this "family accommodation" (Lebowitz and colleagues).
None of this means you've done anything wrong. You did what love does. It just means there's another way that can help more.
What to do instead
Name the OCD, not the content. Rather than answering the fear itself, you can gently point at the process: "That sounds like the OCD asking again."
Show you care about the feeling. "I can see how scared you are right now, and I'm here with you."
Stick with them in it. You don't have to make the feeling go away. Sitting alongside them while it rises and falls is one of the most supportive things you can do.
One of the hardest things I ask of the people who love someone with OCD is the same thing I have to do in my sessions: sit in the discomfort without jumping in to rescue. I know how hard that is, because it goes against every caring instinct you have.
Agree a plan together, ideally with their therapist. Changing reassurance suddenly can feel cold or frightening. It usually goes best when you agree, together and ahead of time, what you'll say when OCD asks for an answer, and step back gradually.
Look after yourself too. Supporting someone with OCD can be exhausting, and your feelings matter here as well.
If you'd like more help with this, I'm building What Do I Say?, my short video course for partners, family and friends, opening early 2027.
Things you could say
"I love you, and I'm not going to answer the OCD this time."
"I know this feels urgent. Let's let the feeling be here for a bit."
"What would you like to do right now, if OCD wasn't in charge?"
A free guide for you
I've put together a simple guide for parents, partners and friends: what OCD is, how it can feel from the inside, why it might develop, and how you can support someone without causing harm, with things you could say and non-engagement responses.
Quick answers
Tap a question to open it.
Can OCD be cured?
OCD is treatable and recovery is possible. There isn't a guaranteed cure, and I'd never promise one. With the right therapy, many people find OCD takes up far less of their life, and they know what to do when it flares up.
Is OCD therapy online?
Yes. All sessions are online, so you can work with me from anywhere in the UK.
Do they need a diagnosis or a GP referral?
No. Anyone can contact me directly, without a diagnosis or a GP referral.
How much does private OCD therapy cost?
Sessions are 50 minutes and cost £120, or £660 for a block of six (£110 per session). A free 15 to 20 minute consultation by phone or video is available first, if that would help.
When you're ready
If the person you love would like specialist support, I work with adults online across the UK. They're always welcome to get in touch themselves, in their own time.
For bite-sized OCD support most days, come and find me on Instagram at @the_floral_therapist.
Charlotte
If someone is unsafe, or you're worried they might act on a thought, call 999 or go to A&E, call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option, or call Samaritans free, any time, on 116 123.
This post is educational and isn't a replacement for therapy. Please speak to an OCD specialist or contact your GP for further support.
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